Thank you, US News and World Reports, for uncovering the amazing secret that people do stupid things. First of all, let's maybe admit that most of the things on that list come down to "eat something nasty and try not to puke." I would like to meet the parent who doesn't know that's something kids do. Then I would like to ask that parent how long they lived in a vacuum-sealed bomb shelter.

Of the two which are left, one is effectively a riff on the flagpole gag from A Christmas Story. Does something seen in a movie made in the 80's based on short stories from the 60's about life in the 40's really constitute news?

That leaves us with the stunning revelation that choking yourself might be unhealthy.

My favorite bit, though, was the professional's advice: "If it's a lack of stimulation or novelty [in your child's life], try and channel that into sports or other, healthier activities."

Clearly, the psych nerd has never, ever been near a sports team if she thinks children are less likely to be dared to do something stupid when they're in a locker room.

Tags: culture, writing

I'm afraid this is it, slammers. We've come at this from every angle, but it looks like the Noises Off collective shan't be satisfied by anything short of milking us dry. Found this in our box today:

This will serve as your final notice re: continued molestation of parties named. After a sustained campaign of intrusive activities in an effort to expose said parties' private affairs, you are ordered to submit for distraint. Additionally, in accordance with the results of all proceedings in court, the Slamming Doors publication shall produce no further issue, save to announce their efforts have reached their climax. All remaining assets are to be made liquid, then collected and redistributed as required.

We have to hang our heads, then, dearies. Who would have thought, back when we got ourselves so worked up hearing about Nothing On, that things would end up such a sticky mess?

Our head hurts a bit, we'll admit, after all the back and forth before the bench. It stings, really, watching all our efforts end washed away to clean off the back side of the tour and ready it for a presentation to the Yanks. You remember: The Players Theatre?

We hear it's hard to adjust to retirement, but after all this, we think we're just about ready to put our feet up with a good, old-fashioned plate of sardines and pull the shades for a while. Perhaps we'll see you at the theatre sometime soon. Have fun, dearies. You've got the place entirely to yourselves from here on out.

Tags: hype, theatre

You know, slammers, we'd so been looking forward to hooking up with Nothing On again at Stockton-on-Tees. It's their last hurrah here on this side of the pond before heading over to show their goods to the Americans. And with all the goings-on backstage (you didn't miss our last bombshell, did you?), we have to wonder how the show's evolved through its vigorous activity across England.

Sadly, we may not have the funds. Today we received notices from, well, we're fairly certain all the personnel involved with Nothing On have gathered together to have a go at us. We're not entirely sure how our box held everything, really.

That's right, slammers, we've been served! And because apparently it's not enough for the Nothing On folk to pile on for a single affair, it looks like each one of them has hooked up with a different partner. It's caught us with our trousers down, to be sure. They've all seemed quite content to take one for the team when it came to our little reports. Our current theory is that the American partners may be afraid of bad press. We can't think of any other reason why they've even listed the full counsel on their website. It seems to match our stack of missives, at least. For your edification, we've listed them below, with the Noises On personnel on the left, the representative following:

Lloyd Dallas:               Walter Price
Dotty Otley:                Carolyn Zaput
Brooke Ashton:          Danae DeShazer
Garry LeJeune:           Michael Morris
Belinda Blair:              Lilian Moore
Frederick Fellowes:     Jason Kimble
Poppy Norton-Taylor:   Jamie Butrum
Timothy Allgood:         Gianni Damaia
Selsdon Mowbray:       Dan Higgs


It reads like a cast list of its own, doesn't it? Though even in this hostile time, we're still working for you, dear readers. In our flailing to find a hole through which we might escape this, we've uncovered a connection between that rag-tag bunch of solicitors. It seems they're all connected with some organization calling itself Noises Off, which appears to be orchestrated by some evil mastermind who goes by the name of Kelly Woodland.

They want us silenced, dearies. Noises off, indeed. Director Woodland and her gang of solicitors may want to bring us to our knees, slammers, but we won't go down without a fight!

Here's how you can help: since we're convinced the American backers are concerned our little rag might reduce ticket sales, we need to show them the opposite is true. So, hit up The Players Theatre website and buy up those seats. Oh, boy, one, ten, any! You're our only hope!

Tags: hype, theatre

Gather 'round, slammers, because we think we know just what that "emergency" we reported on last time is all about, and you are not going to want to miss this gossip-snatch of epic proportions. We've just heard tell that one of the members of the Nothing On company is preggers! Now, we're here to help paint the naughty picture for you.

So, first of all, let's take a look at Brooke Ashton's twitter feed for the last few days:

Going 2 C doc about my nervous exhaustion.

and a day or so later:

Taking fiend to baby doc.

Goodness, but she's not made this very hard for us, has she? "Nervous exhaustion" is a classic code phrase, and she's taking a "friend" to the baby doctor (we assume that "fiend" was a regrettable typo)? Really, Brooke, love, we'd have to be half-blind and regrettably dim not to be practically slapped in the face with what you're really getting on about.

But what about the father? Well, we hear tell that technical director Timothy Allgood made multiple trips to the flower shop across the street from the theatre on the day the news broke. Nearly deflowered the whole place, the way we hear it. "And jerking all over the place, he was so wound up!" our source tells us. What new father wouldn't be?

We tried to call into the tour to get some confirmation, but while Poppy Norton-Taylor was quite pleasant at first, as soon as we said the word "pregnant," those lips of hers snapped shut tighter than a beaver trap. But we think that tells us exactly what we needed to know, yes?

Goodness, we wonder how much longer Ms. Ashton will continue to fit into her skimpy costume? Will Lloyd Dallas have to be stripping down another young lady on very short notice? And what might all of this mean for those meaningful glances we thought we saw between Ms. Norton-Taylor and Ms. Ashton?

No clue, dearies, but with the end of the British leg of the tour coming soon, we're quite curious as to how American audiences will respond. If you're in the area, swing by The Players Theatre for more news and tickets.

Tags: hype, theatre

We were a bit tentative to try probing too deeply after our run in with Garry LeJeune, but then our friend Randy, from Parking with The Bard, called up again, and voila, we're back and ready for action thanks to a good intermediary. Took a bit of groping about to get all the details, but here's what we've come away with:

Randy was out in Aberystwyth (Please stop asking us how to pronounce it. Instead, turn your energies to something productive, like trying to convince the Welsh to spell properly, won't you?). He had arranged for a three-way conversation with director Lloyd Dallas and the star of Dallas's Richard III production.

Except, when Randy showed up, Dallas was nowhere to be found. Seems he rushed off to Ashton-under-Lyne for some great "emergency." Really? You mean, the same Ashton-under-Lyne where the Nothing On tour happens to have snuggled in for a few days?

With such a physically-strenuous show, one supposes some kind of accident was inevitable. Our bet is on Belinda Blair. Her retirement from the exotic, dancer's life came from an unexpected injury, and while we're sure she's retained her flexibility from her days as a professional in the life, who knows what sort of strains she might have put her body through prior to switching jobs? All the in-and-out and up-and-down of the show must be murder on her knees.

Or perhaps Lloyd was using a bit of misdirection to pop out for a quickie. With whom, you ask? Well, it turns out the other third in that rendezvous with our reporter friend? Also suddenly out for the afternoon, for a "specialty fitting," Randy was told. Given that Randy also heard many an actor complaining that Dallas's Richard had spent the last week of rehearsal "on his back whenever he wasn't on stage," we think perhaps the winter of Richard's discontent has been made glorious summer by a son of Dallas.

Well, if there were an honest emergency at our beloved farce, we're sure we'll hear about it soon -- and pass it along to you. In the meantime, as always, The Players Theatre has the official line on news and tickets.

Tags: hype, theatre

Goodness, slammers, but it does appear we may have pushed Garry LeJeune's buttons with our report on the date with Dotty. Shortly after our little expose had seen the light of day, we received this rather loud message in our voice mail. We've done our best to transcribe it:

I've had just about enough of you and your, well, yes! Dinner! Wine! Laughs! Squeezes! Exactly! You see? But no more. Not one more ... you're not going to shin up the ... squeeze in the ... not when I should be the one who should slide in the ... Right? You know what I mean? And if I catch sight of you, just let me say I'm going to ... I don't know what, but that's what I'll do! I've met a lot of reporters in my day, but you! I just want to wring your ... or rather, bang your head with ... I mean, throw you down and ... Well, anyway, if you know what's good for you, better out than, you know? Otherwise, I could just, right? Yes? I TRUST I'VE MADE MY POINT?

My, my, we've heard of jealous rage, but we had no idea. It is a bit flattering, though, is it not? We've always thought ourselves a catch, but to have Garry LeJeune practically speechless when we chose Dotty Otley over himself for our little rendezvous? Our cheeks are red. That will teach us to pay better attention.

We feel a bit shameful, really, tripping over poor Gary's feelings in our fervor to rush down the theatre stairs and on to our romp with Dotty. So: our apologies, Mr. LeJeune. Next time, we'll be sure we stick around to catch you. Happy endings all round, yes?

So, while we try to avoid rubbing Mr. LeJeune the wrong way again, feel free to check The Players Theatre for more official news and tickets.

Tags: hype, theatre

We've been stalking Nothing On cross country ever since we were seduced by its opening night antics. Finally, in Worksop, we managed to sweet talk a cast member out on the town with us so we might loosen her tongue and get some juicy tidbits about all the goings-on.

That's right: we sat down with Dotty Otley for a little classic conversation in a lovely little candlelit restaurant she knew about. For someone known for playing such course characters, Otley in person is a real soft touch. From that first squeeze of greeting, to tugging eagerly when our table opened up, Dotty seemed quite excited to get right to it.

For that matter, though, she's also a rather quick and flexible conversationalist. Over the course of our meeting, it often felt a bit like she was trying to ply us with drink rather than the other way 'round. Took us through our tossed salad, creamy soup, and a hearty pork before we finally managed to turn things around so we could do a bit of poking about for the naughty news we were after.

Namely, we'd been hearing rumors of money problems with the show; that the performers were essentially volunteers at this point in the tour. So, when Dotty finally gave us an opening -- between mouthfuls of my triple-orange crème and her lemon-banana tart -- we slipped that little stinger in to see what kind of response we could get.

Unfortunately, it seems that all that jaw-flapping as we warmed up to the main event gave someone else in the cast time to catch word of our impending exposé. As Dotty gave a stuttery series of "Oh's," fumbling for the proper angle with which to respond, Mr. Garry LeJeune burst onto the scene.

We could tell Dotty was utterly relieved to see him, too. Something of the cavalry, we expect. Wonderful actors that they are, they feigned a row, of course, that left Dotty rushing off in a breathless huff and Mr. LeJeune shaking his fist in our general direction.

So, we'd call that something of a clinch for our rumor, wouldn't you? What does that mean for the American leg of the tour? Switch-hitters? Ah, but who knows what's still to come? Keep your eyes on The Players Theatre, home of that American romp, for news and tickets, and we'll update you again soon!

Tags: hype, theatre

After what we can only imagine was a marathon session filled with sweat and swears to erect that set, Nothing On opened last night, and we were there to peep and tell for you, our dear readers. But with something so twisty, what can we tell you that won't seem obscene for spoiling? We do hate to give away anything too early, after all.

Alright then, we'll say this about the evening: Sardines! Doors! Bags! Boxes! Us! We trust we've made our point, yes? In short, last night was certainly a romp.

The first act was a bit tame in comparison to what was coming, but we like to think of it as a dress rehearsal. Still, with dropping trousers, women's undergarments, and even foreign accents, our interest was certainly aroused.

We definitely suggest you stick around for the second act, though, lovelies. The twists and turns, oh my, it left our jaws a bit sore from all the laughing. And we suspect there were some rather astonishing acrobatics going on backstage, as well. Some of those entrances and changes, one wonders how they make them, and how no one's managed to trip over himself coming and going like that. Keep your eyes peeled, lovelies, or you might just miss something!

The third act? Oh, goodness, out of breath as we were from the first two go 'rounds, we couldn't imagine what was next, but oh my! If you thought things were wild before, just wait until that third act hits. As with most good farce, all the lies start to unravel, until folks aren't quite sure what's true any more. Then everyone piles on for the fun as we race to the climax. We were quite sure at one point that there surely must have been a few extras besides the actors in that writhing mass of chaos and then bang, it was finished.

We're still thinking about that performance. Not entirely sure we might not have missed something, but that's why we like revisiting the material, yes?

Oh, and to our American readers, you've not missed anything, dearies. As with all good entertainment, we've gotten our sample a bit earlier than you. You've still got a bit of time yet. Just head on over to The Players Theatre website. We'll be quite interested to see how this show develops as it travels. Unlike gossip, theatre doesn't tend to suffer from the telephone syndrome as it goes, yes?

Tags: hype, theatre

Ah, what did we do before social media? Don't answer that, we don't want to remember.

In any event, after we realized Just how sexually charged things might be behind with the actors at our favorite as-yet-unstaged farce, we've been chomping at the bit to see what other horse play is going on over there.

We won't tell you just what sorts of maneuvers we used to slide behind the Facebook privacy wall. Really, a body has to have a few trade secrets, yes? But maybe you'll forgive us our dalliance when we share some of the spoils.

This weekend was apparently meant to be a gang-up for nailing the set into place. At least that's what we gather from Tim Allgood, company manager, who popped out this tidbit in his status: "Hope you’re all ready for tomorrow! Together, I know you'll erect the set in no time!"

Of course, we barely had time to catch our breath before we found an event invite to a little bash called the "Screw that pompous ass party," started by members of the tech crew. Seems there was a concerted effort made to make sure the all call turned into a solo effort. Poor Tim seems to be not liked at all, if the comments were anything to be believed:

Always spouting off like he's some great gift to all of us.

Can take his bloody degree and shove it where the sun don't shine!

And you heard, yes? Off tarting it up this weekend while he wants crew to hammer 'til they bleed.

Goodness. Seems there's just as much tomfoolery going on backstage at this show as we might see when the play opens. Or is that Tim-foolery? And who do we suppose Tim's doing that fooling with? Oh, don't you think for a moment we're going to lie down until we find a way to expose Mr. Allgood for all of you. When we know, you'll know. Slamming Doors wants everyone in on the fun.

Until we do that, though, dearies, you can take a look over at The Players Theatre for the latest.

Tags: hype, theatre

Very interesting day at the doors. With the key parties gathered, rehearsals for Nothing On are in full swing. But you won't catch us idly waiting for something interesting to fall in our laps, no. Instead, we snuck in the back door to see if we could nab ourselves a conversation with one of the performers.

We nearly had Selsdon Mowbray on the hook. Unfortunately, director Lloyd Dallas heard us asking Mr. Mowbray across to the pub to share a drink, and you wouldn't believe how possessive he suddenly became. Goodness, he dragged the actor off by the arm, with that finger-wagging scold we've always associated with a jealous wife.

And then it hit us: 'Stumbled over him in the park'? Indeed. We think we've now a much better picture of the exchange between Mr. Dallas and Mr. Mowbray that evening. That was certainly a juicy little tidbit we didn't expect to find!

But we weren't about to stop until we were satisfied, no. So we decided to see if we couldn't coax a little something out of Brooke Ashton. Quite the committed professional girl. Of director Dallas (then still distracted handling his man Selsdon), she had nothing but praise.

"Lloyd's been ever so helpful. We've had loads of private coaching. It's such a long show, and all those words make your jaw sore, you know? But Lloyd's done wonders for my stamina when it comes to performing. 'No matter what, honey, you keep going,' he says."

We wanted to ask more, but right around then Stage Manager Poppy Norton-Taylor interrupted, gave us some rather terse explanation about Mr. Dallas needing to see Ms. Ashton. Then she showed us the door, though she seemed quite distracted watching Ms. Ashton go. We're beginning to suspect the director's not the only one who's found a 'friend' in the show, yes?

But enough of our naughty bits for today. More as we come upon it. In the meanwhile, The Players Theatre is your source for official news and tickets.

Tags: hype, theatre